


back to me (2jae)

by dandelonii



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-06-26 22:40:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19777927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelonii/pseuds/dandelonii
Summary: youngjae has loved jaebeom for 10 years. but, jaebeom isn't interested in youngjae, until he sees youngjae interested in someone else.





	1. hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter is sort of based off youngjae's first love story from got2day 2019 episode 3.   
> the story is based off a manga turned drama so read and guess which one. enjoy!

Choi Youngjae was a young boy. He didn’t know anything about love or crushes or what “date” was. He just knew when he saw the boy with the two moles on his eyelid, he wanted to hug him and say “I like you.” But no matter where, if on television or in public, he never saw two boys say “I like you” to each other. He wasn’t sure if he could hug him and say “I like you.” Youngjae didn’t want to mention it to his friends either in case of a foul reaction. The only thing Youngjae felt like he could do is stare at him; he didn’t feel confident enough to become his friend, either.   
In his second year of school, they ended up in the same class. Youngjae felt like this was a good chance to introduce himself. He went to the front of the boys desk and cheerfully introduced himself.  
“Hi! I’m Choi Youngjae. What’s your name?” Youngjae smiled brightly.  
“Im Jaebeom.” The boy said quietly.  
“Hi, Jaebeom-ah! Let’s be friends!” Youngjae cheered once more before returning to his seat.  
“Okay.” Jaebeom said to himself. He hated when people called him that, but this boy gave it a warmer sound.

Youngjae sat in his seat with his heart pounding hard and sweat forming on his forehead. He still tried playing it cool just in case Jaebeom were to look back at him. The two boys barely interacted, but Youngjae felt like he knew a lot about the boy he likes. He spent class time studying him, instead of studying math. He knows Jaebeom is quiet, he only talks to one person. He always brings a packed lunch with a banana milk or chocolate milk. Youngjae knows he doesn’t like strawberry milk, because the one time he brought one he didn’t drink it and threw it away. During recess he sits at his desk and is always writing stuff in a black notebook, instead of going to play with his only friend. Youngjae also stays at his desk during recess because he likes to read poetry in school. Sometimes, Youngjae wished he was as cool as the boy he likes.   
“Hi, Jaebeom-ah.” Youngjae goes up to him during recess one day. “What are you doing?”   
Jaebeom closed the notebook he was writing in and looked at Youngjae. “Writing stuff.”   
“Do you want to play rock-paper-scissor?” Youngjae looked around before continuing. “If I lose, I’ll tell you a secret, okay?”   
“Do I have to tell you a secret if I lose?” Jaebeom asked.  
“If you want. Okay. Rock, paper, scissor, shoot!” Youngjae started the game. Youngjae won the game.  
“Um. My secret is, I write poetry in my notebook.” Jaebeom confessed shyly. Youngjae’s heart beat faster. The boys played another round that Youngjae resulted in losing.   
“I like reading poetry a lot. But my secret is, I like you.” The teacher began the class before Jaebeom could react properly, and Youngjae returned to his seat. Jaebeom immediately opened his notebook and began writing. 

The next day, Youngjae left to school earlier than his older brother so he could hand pick a flower. He paired the purple flower with a note that read “Jaebeom-ah. I like you.” and left it on the shy boy’s desk. Youngjae followed this routine for so long his brother was forced to go to school early with the young boy.   
“Why do you pick flowers everyday? Is it for a girl?” Youngjae’s brother asked him one day.  
Youngjae didn’t respond. He simply blushed and stared at the ground as he walked.  
“Is she pretty? Smart? Nice?” The older boy pestered Youngjae.  
“Yea.” Was all he could respond. 

It was the fourteenth of February. Also known as the day where a girl gives a present to a boy she likes or vice-versa. Instead, Youngjae gave a small bear and four chocolate strawberries with a simple note to a boy he likes. Im Jaebeom. I like you.   
Youngjae begged his mother to buy him these things, insisting it was for a girl in his class named Im Jae-eun. Jaebeom put the note in his pocket and the bear in his bag, leaving the strawberries on his desk. Youngjae doesn’t know if Jaebeom throws away his notes and flowers, but he’s happy to see Jaebeom read them every morning. 

The next school year the two boys weren’t in the same classroom anymore. Instead, Youngjae made another friend, his name was Kim Yugyeom. Although Youngjae couldn’t give Jaebeom a flower and a note everyday, he still thought of him every morning and picked a flower. Yugyeom even asked if the flower was for a girl or from a girl. Youngjae told Yugyeom about how he used to give someone a flower and a note everyday before class, but he chose his words carefully so he didn’t reveal the gender of the person he liked so much. 

Jaebeom also noticed he and Youngjae weren’t in the same class anymore. He always felt better every morning after seeing the flower and paper on his desk, and occasionally some snacks, although he didn’t outwardly show his content with the gifts. Jaebeom wrote countless poems about what these things were and what they meant to him. 

Youngjae found out Jaebeom’s class number when he passed by one day on his way to the infirmary. He didn’t continue leaving countless flowers and papers, but only gifted Jaebeom on special days. Three different pepero’s on pepero day. A plush toy and chocolates on Valentines day. Even a bonus snack on White day. All with a note that says I like you. Im Jaebeom. It wasn’t until their sixth year that Jaebeom finally responded to these confessions. They were finally placed back in the same class after 4 years of being separated. Youngjae brought Jaebeom flowers every day again, and Jaebeom continued to bring a black notebook to endlessly write. It wasn’t until the fourteenth of March that Youngjae finally received a gift. A rose, and a chocolate bar, paired with a note that reads “Choi Youngjae. I like you.”   
At this age, Youngjae knew that he liked Jaebeom. He learned about love and dating through stories he read and movies he watched. He learned online that boys do like each other, which reassured his feelings.   
Jaebeom’s figure stood before him as he read a book during lunch time. “Youngjae-yah,” Jaebeom called for the boy’s attention. “Here.” He held out a chocolate milk. “Meet me behind the library after school.”   
Youngjae’s face flushed red as he stared at the milk. Yugyeom came back from the bathroom and spotted Youngjae’s milk.  
“Choco-milk! Who gave it? A girl?” Yugyeom questioned. Youngjae stayed quiet as he sipped on his milk.   
Youngjae’s heart began to pound harder as his feet carried him to the library. He slowed down as his nervousness clouded his thoughts. Youngjae held the plush toy he received tight in his arms. When he arrived behind the library, he already spotted Jaebeom sitting by a tree and writing.   
“Hi, Jaebeom-ah.” Youngjae stood in front of the shyer boy. “Why did you want to meet?”  
Jaebeom fiddled with his hands as his eyes shifted nervously from looking down and looking at Youngjae. “I, um, like you too. Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Jaebeom asked with hopeful eyes.   
“Okay.” Youngjae smiled wide and laughed a little bit. Jaebeom wrapped his arms around the smaller figure ahead of him and burrowed his face into Youngjae’s neck. Jaebeom gave Youngjae his number before running off shyly.   
Youngjae practically skipped home with happiness. He couldn’t wait to get home and call him to hear his voice again. He hugged his plush toy tight. It was an otter plush. Youngjae just thought it was cute, he didn’t think about if meant anything important.   
The following morning, Youngjae woke up with a smile on his face. He had a smile on his face all the way to school. His smile only got bigger when he got to school and saw Jaebeom.   
“Hi. Jaebeom-ah.” Youngjae said to his boyfriend.   
“Hi, Youngjae.” Jaebeom replied with a small smile. “Can you meet me behind the library again today?” Youngjae hummed positively before rushing to his seat.  
He checked the clock every five minutes until it was finally time to wrap up. The last five minutes of class he felt ecstasy pump through his heart as he quickly gathered his stuff and said goodbye to Yugyeom and BamBam as soon as the teacher dismissed them. 

The boys met behind the library again, but this time Youngjae arrived first. As soon as Jaebeom was close to him, Youngjae threw his arms on top of his shoulders.   
“Why do we have to meet behind the library, Jaebeom-ah?” Youngjae asked.  
“I just feel safer to talk to you here, Youngjae.” Jaebeom looked in his eyes. He gave his boyfriend a small smile with red cheeks.   
“Why did you give me an otter plush? Why not just a bear?” Youngjae asked more questions.   
“Is this an Im Jaebeom interview?” He flashed a genuine smile with a half-hearted chuckle. The first time Youngjae had seen his smile he felt like he had hearts in his eyes and a bow in his heart.  
“Hey! Just wondering.” Youngjae pouted.  
“Because you remind me of an otter when you smile widely. Like that.” Jaebeom grabbed Youngjae’s hand. 

They met behind the library everyday to talk about things, before saying good-bye and promising to text each other after dinner while their mother’s watched their 8 o’clock drama. This routine happened for 22 days. On the 22nd day of being together, Jaebeom didn’t say hi to Youngjae. Jaebeom didn’t see Youngjae behind the library. Youngjae walked home that day with a sulky heart. The minute Youngjae got home, he grabbed his mother’s phone and texted Jaebeom. Youngjae didn’t receive a reply.  
It wasn’t until 8:14pm that Jaebeom replied to Youngjae’s message. “Youngjae, you got a text from that girl. Jae-eun, right?” Youngjae’s mother handed him her cellphone.  
Youngjae excitedly grabbed her phone with hope in his heart.  
Let’s...break up Youngjae read the message. Not once, twice, but five times. Hoping he was reading right. Making sure it was the right person sending this message. Once he was sure, tears started slipping out his eyes. He couldn’t control his breathing as he whimpered beside his mother. She read the message displayed on her phone screen. “Oh, baby.” She held her son tightly. “You’ll be okay.” Youngjae continued crying endlessly.


	2. remember you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are named after got7 songs (unrelated to the story)

Of course, Youngjae couldn’t forget Jaebeom even if he tried. He hung out with his friends a lot, looked at boys, looked at girls, but all his thoughts returned to one person. Youngjae began dating again in high school. The relationships didn’t last very long as he ended them himself, with his first love in mind. He felt like he couldn’t get over Im Jaebeom. Although, Jaebeom seemed to be over Youngjae. Jaebeom was popular with girls and had a few girlfriends. Youngjae resented the boy, wondering if he ever remembered him and hurt. He doubted it, Jaebeom didn’t seem to look in his direction anymore.

Youngjae grew up. He graduated high school and is going to college to study music. He began writing songs in high school and even composed a few that he uploaded online under an alias. He liked performing ballads more than anything, always being told by teachers he has the voice for it. He also found music by another artist that he really enjoyed. He listened to Defsoul almost everyday, he really wished he could get to know this artist and discuss music with them. He was one of Youngjae’s favorite composers.  
It was currently the summer before the first year of college so Youngjae really wanted to do anything to enjoy it. He called up his two best friends and invited them to his house. The group hung out in Youngjae’s room while they made plans for their vacation.  
“We can go to the beach?” Yugyeom suggested as he stuffed his face with potato chips.  
“Arcade.” Bambam said.  
“Hmm. You guys wanna go to the mall today?” Youngjae suggested. He felt like he needed new summer clothes. Yugyeom groaned while Bambam got up excitedly.  
Youngjae let Bambam dress him. Bambam picked out a few loose floral shirts for Youngjae to try on, but Youngjae felt like they were something Bambam would wear instead. He drifted away from the other pair to find clothes that were more of his own style. He looked through many shirts of different styles, mindlessly moving around without looking at where he was going. He bumped into a taller figure and quickly bowed before looking up to apologize. Youngjae stopped completely. He recognized the boy before him. The two moles on his eyelid, his prominent nose, his deep gaze.  
“Im Jaebeom?” Youngjae whispered in disbelief. Jaebeom bowed and left the store before Youngjae could say anymore words.  
Youngjae spent the rest of his day thinking about his encounter with his first love. He couldn’t get his mind off the eyes that burned holes in his skin. The way Jaebeom had matured was too much for Youngjae to process. It felt like all his feelings came back to him full force and he wanted to see Jaebeom again.  
Youngjae arrived home and pulled out his phone once he sad comfortably on his bed. He began typing “Im Jaebeom” in any social network he could find. He only had luck on instagram, after scrolling through several profiles. It was as if Youngjae’s eyes deceived him, how could Jaebeom have “Defsoul.” in his bio? Was he just a fan? Then why would he have the soundcloud linked as well? Youngjae scrolled through his pictures and he felt his heartbeat the same way it did the first time, 10 years ago. His heart dropped when he stumbled upon a picture of a girl, the caption was just two heart emojis. He could admit she was beautiful but he left the picture as a single tear fell down his face. Youngjae clicked on the story not giving a care if Jaebeom found out he was watching it. Youngjae’s heart fluttered again when he saw his song on the screen. A song he uploaded to soundcloud a few months ago that didn’t have many listens to begin with. His song titled 1:31AM. He read the text on the screen. Reminds me of my first love. Lol. Good song! Youngjae fell into a fit of tears again. 

It was the first day of college and Youngjae was nervous and excited to officially start his life as an adult. Unfortunately he had to brave his college life alone; Yugyeom and Bambam were going to major in dance, which meant Youngjae had to make new friends. He had known his two best friends for so long that he felt a little shy having to talk to new people. He didn’t know what was the right way to approach someone, especially in a place where people usually kept to themselves. He sat in the back of the class for his first lecture and just hoped whoever sat beside him would be nice. It wasn’t until the professor paused for a bit that the boy beside him grabbed his attention.  
“Hey man, could I borrow a pencil?” The boy spoke. It sounded like he had a slight accent.  
“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Youngjae rummaged through his bag.  
He introduced himself as Jackson from China. No wonder he had a slight accent. The two exchanged a few words before shifting their attention back to the professor. 

Youngjae spent his lunchtime with his two friends, chatting about their classes. Youngjae brought up how he met a really hot guy from China, causing Bambam to say his infamous “eww” to anything related to relationships.  
Youngjae was ready to head to his last class of the day, he couldn’t wait to get home and take a nap. He walked into the classroom, with the thought of sitting in the back of the class. But before he chose a seat he saw Jaebeom sitting in the back as well. Youngjae chose a seat closer to the front with just an ounce of panic and a racing heart. No matter how hard he tried to focus on the professors words, all he wanted to do was turn around and look at Jaebeom. He wish he could just get up and sit right next to him and give him flowers with notes that say “I like you. Im Jaebeom.” But they weren’t kids anymore. He knew couldn’t do that. All Youngjae could do was sigh and dream about the love they could’ve had.  
Once again, as soon as he got comfortable in his bed he wanted to check Jaebeom’s instagram again, he wanted to see if there was anything new. Bugt all the posts were gone. Except for one picture of a flower. It looked like a pretty old flower. Taped into a notebook. Youngjae clicked on the photo to read the caption but there was no caption. Just a single comment from who Youngjae believed to be Jaebeom’s best friend. All it said was “call me.”  
Youngjae sighed very loudly in his lonely room. He wanted to be apart of Im Jaebeom’s life. He wanted to experience life with him. Love, loss, happiness, sadness. He wanted Jaebeom to be there for all of that. Youngjae didn’t realize that he was still in love with the boy he dated for 22 days. He wondered if he could talk to Jaebeom again, as friends, without bringing up their past. Or, if he should just confess all his feelings again. Youngjae could never organize his feelings about Jaebeom and that’s what frustrates him the most. Or maybe pick a flower for him again. He just wanted any little interaction with Jaebeom that he could possibly get.

The next morning he talked to Jackson again, the two boys exchanged numbers and even decided to hang out during lunch. Youngjae already knew he would get along with Bambam and Yugyeom fine. Their personalities weren’t very different to begin with. During his last class he saw Jaebeom again, but instead of sitting near the front of the class he tried sitting a little closer to his first love. Youngjae spent the entire class mustering up the courage to talk to Jaebeom once they were dismissed. Before Youngjae got the chance to say “Jaebeom,” He had already left the class with his only friend. Youngjae already felt completely hopeless. He didn’t want to give up on Jaebeom. He decided to make a bold-ish move and follow the boy on his personal instagram. There shouldn’t be any harm in that. 

As much as Youngjae, and his friends, reminded himself that he shouldn’t pursue Jaebeom he couldn’t help but pick a flower. He even wrote a note during his first class and Jackson asked, “For a girl?” But Youngjae wasn’t afraid to be himself anymore. He learned that if people can’t accept him for who he is, then they didn’t deserve to be in his life.  
“For a boy.” He responded to Jackson as he continued to look down.  
“Oh? What’s his name?” Jackson wanted to know more.  
“I’ll tell you during lunchtime. I don’t want the wrong person to hear.” Youngjae said with a smile.  
Youngjae messaged his two close friends and told them he would spend his lunch time with Jackson today.

Youngjae spoke first once the two boys were settled with their food. “His name is Im Jaebeom. I’ve known him since first grade. To be honest, I had a crush on him from first grade all the way to sixth, until he finally accepted my confessions. I would bring him a flower and a note everyday and place it on his desk until we had different classes. I would give him valentine’s day gifts every year. We finally ended up dating for twenty-two days until he broke up with me. Now that I see him in my classroom again all the feelings started coming back and I’m in love with him again.”  
Jackson looked at the boy before him with sentimental eyes. “I’m sorry you went through that.”  
“It’s okay. I feel like, I don’t want to let this chance go even if he doesn’t care about me anymore. I just want to tell him what I’ve been feeling for the past 10 years. Maybe it will let me get over him” Youngjae confessed to his friend. 

Youngjae made sure to get to class 10 minutes earlier than he normally would so he could leave the flower on Jaebeom’s desk. He didn’t dare look back the rest of the time he sat in his seat. The boy practically skipped home with a huge smile on his face. Maybe it will be the same as before. He thought to himself as he entered his room. Even his family took notice to Youngjae’s chirpy behavior. He offered to help his mom cook, set the table, and clean the dishes after dinner.  
“What’s gotten into you today?” his mother laughed.  
“Nothing, mom.” Youngjae lied through his teeth.  
His mother didn’t ask anymore questions as the two started preparing for dinner.  
It had felt as if Youngjae fell asleep with a smile on his face and woke up with a smile on his face because his cheeks were so sore. He felt good today, good enough to put a bit of eyeliner on hoping his friends wouldn’t notice and tease him. 

“You’re wearing eyeliner.” Was the first thing Jackson said to Youngjae that morning.  
“I just wanted to try out something different.”  
“For Jaebeom.” Jackson smirked.  
Youngjae hit his friend in the shoulder and shushed him, hoping nobody was listening. But someone turned to look at them.  
“Im Jaebeom?” the stranger asked. Youngjae’s face flushed with red. “I heard he recently broke up with his girlfriend from high school. I didn’t know he was into guys.”  
“Oh, well, I, uh,” Youngjae was super flustered at this point.  
“Don’t worry I won’t say anything. The name is Mark, by the way.” The handsome boy introduced himself. He also mentioned he was from America, hence the american-esque name. This prompted Jackson to have a whole english conversation with the foreigner which left Youngjae alone with his thoughts.  
Youngjae couldn’t help but think about Jaebeom having a girlfriend, and why he would break up with her. He was jealous above anything, he wanted to be the one to hold Jaebeom in his arms and kiss him on the lips. Youngjae was too engulfed in his thoughts that he didn’t realize the class was over until Jackson started nudging him.  
“Do any of you have this class next?” Mark pointed to his schedule of classes. Youngjae had that class.  
“Uh, yeah, I do. Let’s go together.” Youngjae smiled. The two boys walked through the halls of the building and even spotted Yugyeom and Bambam walking together and snicker something to each other.  
“Wanna join us during lunch? We usually go off campus and eat.” Youngjae broke a silence. He stared at Mark’s features. How round and full his cheeks were, the bridge of his nose that stuck out, the way his full lips moved when he spoke, they way- ouch. Youngjae has a bad habit of getting lost in his thoughts and he wasn’t looking the the path before him. He looked at the bothered man in front of him and an apology refused to leave him. It was Jaebeom again. Jaebeom gave him a look before walking off without receiving an apology.  
“Youngjae, are you okay?” Mark asked the younger boy that began rubbing his shoulder.  
“Yea, I’m okay. Let’s go.” He said with assurance. Mark felt like there was something more to what had just happened but he had barely met Youngjae and didn’t want to invade his privacy.  
Youngjae survived the rest of his classes until lunch time and was more than ready to shove food in his mouth. He met up with Mark and Jackson and texted Yugyeom and Bambam to let them know where they were meeting for lunch this time.  
All the boys arrived at practically the same time and ordered their food. Yugyeom and Bambam were already sitting when they were whispering to each other again.  
“What are you two whispering about now?” Youngjae asked a bit irritated. He felt like he was being left out.  
“Who’s that hot guy you brought with you? Are you already over Jaebeom?” Yugyeom spoke while Bambam laughed. Luckily Mark was still at the counter out of hearing distance.  
“No, what? He’s in two of my classes so we decided to talk. Just don’t say anything stupid, please. We just met I don’t need him to be scared off by you two clowns.” Youngjae practically begged the two to be cool. “Mark, these two are my friends, Yugyeom and Bambam.”  
The three exchanged a few words of introduction. “Where’s Jackson?” Mark asked while he looked around. The doorbell of the small restaurant dinged indicating new customers coming in.  
“Oh, there they are!” Youngjae recognized Jackson’s distinctive voice in a heartbeat. More new people? A thought ran through Youngjae’s head. Youngjae looked towards the voice and saw Jackson with two people. One of which was Jaebeom. Youngjae froze in his spot and stared. He wasn’t sure if Jackson knew this was the Jaebeom of his past, since he never showed him who Jaebeom was.  
“Guys, these two are from my literature class, this is Jinyoung and Jaebeom.” Jackson started. He was the type to get along with everyone, even the quietest kids in the class. “We were put in a group so I invited them to lunch with us.”  
Once the three left to order their food, Bambam expressed his concern to Youngjae. “Are you gonna be fine? Do you need to leave? I can leave with you if you want. You don’t have to stay here if you’re not comfortable. Do you think Jackson did this on purpose? I’m skinny but I can beat his-”  
“I’ll be okay, Bambam. Don’t worry.” Youngjae laughed louder than his words.  
Jaebeom heard the laugh and his heart clenched. It was exactly the same as 10 years ago. The same laugh he had to let go of. The same laugh he thought he’d never hear again.  
“You know what? I’ll catch you boys later.” Jaebeom said without an excuse. Youngjae watched as Jaebeom left the shop. His heart wanted to chase after Jaebeom but his head didn’t allow for his legs to move.  
“All right I guess that fixes all out problems.” Bambam chuckled to himself.  
Jackson and Jinyoung joined the rest of the table to start eating their lunch.  
“Is that the same Jaebeom?” Jackson’s brain finally made the connection when he saw Youngjae and his eyeliner. Youngjae nodded before Yugyeom changed the subject, wary of his friend’s feelings. They all had small talk about their college life and how it was so much different than college. Mark had completed a year of college in America so he decided to advise the rest of the boys on how to not fail. They had a great lunch but Youngjae, once again, couldn’t take his mind off of what happened earlier. Yugyeom and Bambam clearly noticed and tried including Youngjae more in the conversation but the boy couldn’t give more than two words for an answer.  
Youngjae just left to his classes as usual. He started to overthink whether he should leave the flower on Jaebeom’s desk, but before he could make up his mind, his legs led him to the table. He quickly placed it down and went to his seat to prepare for the lecture.  
Youngjae didn’t feel as giddy this time when he got home. He just felt like his normal self. His mother didn’t say anything either when he went up to his room after greeting her. 

Youngjae continued going to school with a smile on his face and a hopeful heart. He continued leaving the flowers with no reaction from Jaebeom. Mark, Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bambam had lunch together everyday whether they went to eat or just brought from home. Occasionally Jackson would join them along with Jinyoung, but Jaebeom never joined the group. He only had lunch with Jinyoung and Jackson. Youngjae knew he was the reason but he tried to ignore the pain in his heart and just enjoyed the time with his friends. His life seemed to be going smoothly, his heart content with how everything was playing out. Until, he was grabbed on the shoulder on his way to his morning class. He turned around to see Jaebeom with an unreadable face. Youngjae’s heart beat with uncertainty. This could either go really good or really bad.  
“Jaebeom,” Youngjae managed to squeak amidst the tense air.  
“Choi Youngjae.” Jaebeom said with a cold voice. “Stop giving me flowers, we’re not stupid kids anymore. You and I will never happen again so please give your heart a break. I need you to know that. Just please, stop thinking of me that way and move on. It’ll be best for you.” Jaebeom tried hard to not let his voice crack. “Please.” was his final word before leaving Youngjae to cry in the empty hallway. Everyone was already in class, so Youngjae only felt a little bit humiliated crying alone in the hallway. He really wished he didn’t hear those words right now. Youngjae skipped his class and left to an isolated place on campus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. anticipate the next chapter soon! ^.^  
> i apologize for my bad writing, i think i should read more books lmao.


	3. no one else

Jackson looked at the empty seat beside him and frowned. He tapped Mark to ask him if he knew anything about Youngjae’s absence but he shook his head. Mark just pulled out his phone to ask Youngjae where he was and if he was doing alright. Mark didn’t receive a message until half an hour later saying he got a cold and would skip school that day. Jackson and Mark didn’t think much of it and returned their attention to the lecture.   
The six boys met up for lunch on campus. Jinyoung practically begged Jaebeom to hang out with them, saying that he’ll enjoy the boys’ company. Jaebeom agreed, only due to the fact that he felt a little more relaxed at the thought of Youngjae not pursuing him anymore. Maybe they could just remain as friends. Even then he was a little bit reluctant.   
Nobody knew about his past with Youngjae. Not even his closest friend, Jinyoung. He was horrified of what someone would think of him if they knew he was involved with a boy. Jinyoung once admitted to Jaebeom that he felt attraction for boys, but Jaebeom was still too insecure to say anything out loud. Even with a girlfriend by his side, Jaebeom couldn’t stop looking at boys in a certain way. He just wanted to isolate himself from the world. He only felt safe in Jinyoung’s presence.  
Everyone but Jackson and Mark were confused that Youngjae was not with them.   
“Where’s Youngjae?” Yugyeom was the first to ask.   
Mark just shot him a confused look. “He didn’t tell you? I asked him this morning if he was alright and he just said he had a cold.”  
“He will always let us know first thing in the morning if he was feeling sick or he wouldn’t come to school.” Bambam added on.  
Mark just shrugged, he didn’t know enough about Youngjae to think anything was out of the ordinary. Yugyeom was already dialing Youngjae’s number, he was worried about his best friend.  
“Youngjae, where are you? Why didn’t you come today?” Yugyeom interrogated.  
“Yugyeom,” Youngjae said with a small voice, followed by a hiccup and a sniffle. “Can you...come over...after your last...class please? Bambam can come...too.” Youngjae said a few words in between sobs.  
“I’m going right now.” Yugyeom said bluntly. He hung up the phone and got his things ready to head off.  
“What’s going on?” Bambam grabbed Yugyeom’s arm before he could stand up. At this point all eyes were focused on the tall dancer.  
“Just, come after your last class. I still need your notes since I’m leaving.”   
Bambam huffed since he didn’t want to stay if his best friend was in distress. He just let out a breathy okay and let Yugyeom leave. Their lunch time was mostly quiet without Youngjae with them, he was an instant mood lifter. Besides small talk about school, no one said another word as they sat quietly to eat their lunch.

Yugyeom texted Youngjae when he was near his house so he could open the door. Youngjae stood at the door way, with a hoodie engulfing his torso. Youngjae began walking to his room and Yugyeom followed suite. Youngjae sat on his bed hugging his knees while finding the right words to share with Yugyeom. But before Youngjae could begin, he just started sobbing again as his brain replayed the encounter of that morning. Yugyeom just sat beside his friend and hugged him. “You don’t have to speak until you’re ready, otter.” Yugyeom reassured him and Youngjae buried his face in the taller boys’ chest. The two sat there like for a while until Youngjae lifted his head. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying so much. His nose and cheeks were flushed with red. He looked like a broken man.  
“Yugyeom, Jaebeom told me this morning,” Youngjae took a deep breath to stop from crying. “He said to let it go. That we’re not children anymore and that he doesn’t love me.”   
“Bambam and I will be here to support you through everything. We will never leave you.” Yugyeom hugged him again. Their moment was interrupted by Yugyeom’s phone beginning to buzz. He immediately picked up as he saw Bambam’s caller ID. Youngjae was left alone again as Yugyeom went to open the door. He picked up his phone and saw some new messages from Mark.   
>I have the notes from class today.  
>I’m here if you need anything.  
Youngjae smiled at the kind words and sent him a quick text of gratitude.   
“How’s my otter doing?” Bambam walked into the room with open arms.  
“I’ll be okay.” He was embraced by his skinny arms. “I have the best people to call my own.” The hug made Youngjae feel safe and warm.   
Youngjae’s mother invited Youngjae’s two friends to stay over for dinner. This definitely lightened his mood and made him feel okay. He knew he could go to school tomorrow and be okay. There was no point in being sulky. Maybe this could be a fresh new start for Youngjae. But before that was possible, Youngjae needed to finish crying all his sad emotions out. 

Youngjae woke up with a migraine the next morning and was reluctant to get up. He groaned as he covered his head with his blankets. Everything was too bright, too loud, too hot; he couldn’t stand being awake. Youngjae took two painkillers with cold water and left to school. He greeted Jackson and Mark as usual, telling them he was feeling better. For some reason, Youngjae’s heart would still beat fast at the thought of Jaebeom. His cursed at his mind to get rid of them and to only think of positive things.   
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Mark questioned Youngjae as they walked to their next class.  
“Yea! Of course. It was just a cold, no need to worry too much.” Youngjae smiled brightly and let out a little laugh.  
“Yugyeom called you and left in a hurry. I was worried something happened to you.” Mark said a bit shyly.  
“Oh, that kid worries too much about me sometimes. It’s really cute and endearing.” Youngjae laughed again. He was such a happy vitamin it was like he laughed with every sentence he said.  
“Okay, I can show you my notes if you’d like. Maybe after your last class we can meet at the library?” Mark suggested. He honestly could have just text them to him but he wanted to spend more time with Youngjae.   
“Okay!”   
The seven boys had lunch together, Jaebeom finally agreed for this to be a usual thing. As much as it pained Youngjae to look at Jaebeom, he cheerfully greeted him along with the rest of the group. Youngjae even greeted Jaebeom during their last class as if they had been friends for a long time. Youngjae was feeling okay. He walked excitedly to the library to meet his Mark. Jaebeom couldn’t help but wonder why Youngjae left so quickly with a smile plastered on his face.  
Youngjae spotted Mark sitting on a bench outside of the library staring down at his phone. He thought it would be funny to knock on Mark’s head like a door. Mark looked up like he was ready to throw someone on the ground until he saw the smiley boy and couldn’t help but also break out into a big smile. Youngjae playfully kneeled and stuck out his hand, as if to ask for Mark to hold it. “Should we go inside?”  
Mark lightly took his had while trying not to blush. “Let’s go.”  
The two boys sat down at a table and prepared their material. Youngjae was focusing hard and writing every little thing down and Mark couldn’t help but look at Youngjae softly. He wanted to protect the younger from all bad things in the world. Maybe it was the sparkle Youngjae always had in his eyes, or his chubby cheeks, Mark just knew his heart sped up when he was around him.   
“Mark?” Youngjae called out.  
“Huh?” Mark shook his thoughts away.  
“Can you help me with this equation? I can’t seem to get it.” Youngjae pouted. Mark took in the sight before him and smiled before helping the younger. He leaned over to look at the paper with his notes on it. Mark then took the pencil out of Youngjae’s hand to start writing the problem.  
Youngjae couldn’t help but me flustered at the situation. All he could do was stare at Mark as his explanation entered one ear and left out the other. Mark finished the equation and looked back at Youngjae and blushed. Before Mark could lean in Youngjae cleared his throat loudly. “Alright, thank you.”

Youngjae replayed the scene on his way home over and over again. He remembered Mark’s gaze on his lips and how his eyelashes fluttered. He couldn’t help but think about Jaebeom in that position. Jaebeom’s broad shoulders bumping into him, his muscular hands grabbing the pencil, his plump lips moving with every word. How Jaebeom’s ice cold eyes would melt looking at Youngjae and shifting from his eyes to his lips. Eyes closing shut with intentions not appropriate in a library setting. Youngjae could feel his cheeks burning up and tried to calm down before going inside his home and greeting his mother. He laid in his bed and thought about Jaebeom. He imagined every romantic scenario his brain could come up with. How it would be to hold his hand, to hug him, to kiss him. Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god im so self conscious of this work :)) i hope i'm doing okay !!!


	4. 만약에 If

Youngjae has been okay. He’s been focusing on school now that midterms were coming up. The group of boys usually met up in the library at around 3:00pm so they could all study together. They always sat in the same order; Mark, Youngjae, Yugyeom, Bambam, Jackson, Jaebeom and Jinyoung around a rectangular table. Bambam was sat at the end of the table, which allowed Youngjae and Jaebeom to face each other. They avoided eye contact, Youngjae often only asked Yugyeom and Mark questions. Of course, deep down Jaebeom would hope for just a little bit interaction. Youngjae really was trying his best to erase his feelings for Jaebeom. At times he thought it was really over. Other times his feelings flooded his heart and made him want to disappear.  
Youngjae finished studying early that day and decided to head out first.  
“I think I’ll head out too.” Mark packed his things. Yugyeom and Bambam looked at each other with a knowing gaze.  
“We can walk together! Which way do you go?” Youngjae smiled happily. Jaebeom tried his best to ignore the conversation. He felt something in his heart. Strings being pulled every which way. He wanted to intervene and say he would walk with them too, but he knew he couldn’t do all that. So, he just stayed quiet.   
“I go that way.” Mark pointed towards the direction of his way home.   
“Me too! Let’s go~” Youngjae said cutely and Mark’s heart probably stopped for a second.  
The two boys walked together and it wasn’t awkward at all. They were really comfortable in each other’s company. Even though Mark wasn’t the type to talk often in a group, he found himself talking a lot when he was alone with Youngjae.   
“I live right here.” Youngjae stopped in his tracks. Mark walked the younger boy to the front door and left him with a hug. “Text me when you get home please.”  
Youngjae instantly got messages when he went inside his room and he couldn’t believe they were from Mark. They weren’t; they were from his groupchat with Yugyeom and Bambam.  
Yugyeom:  
>youngjae  
>we think mark likes you  
Bambam:  
>LIKE likes you  
Youngjae shook his head and laughed loudly. “There's no way. He’s way too handsome to like a guy like me.” He said aloud as he typed. Youngjae had thought about Mark’s actions but he couldn’t come up with anything that seemed out of the ordinary. He did think Mark was really attractive and he would be over the moon if a man like him had fallen for him. Youngjae thought he was too ordinary. Mark could date someone funnier, smarter, prettier. He thought someone like Jinyoung would be a perfect match for him. But Youngjae noticed Jinyoung and Jackson liked to flirt with each other. He wasn’t sure if it was friendly at this point. Youngjae didn’t overthink Yugyeom’s words and just brushed them off.

“Jackson.” Mark called out for his attention.  
“Hmm?” Jackson hummed without looking up from his phone screen. He was totally texting Jinyoung; the way he smiled revealed it.  
“I need to talk to you, before Youngjae gets here.” He whispered to his friend.  
“What is it?” Jackson finally looked up, meeting Mark’s eyes.  
“Do you think... Youngjae could ever fall for a guy like me? Be honest. He’s so pretty, and talented. I feel like I wouldn’t be enough for him.” Mark looked down as he finished his sentence.  
Jackson inhaled deeply. “What makes you think you’re not enough for Youngjae? You’re handsome and smart. Have you seen the way you make him laugh? You two would make such an attractive couple it would be insane. You should totally try asking him out.” Jackson said confidently. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to mention how Youngjae was in love with Jaebeom, so he decided not to.   
“You really think so?” Mark’s eyes sparkled.   
“Yea, of course- Hi Youngjae!” Jackson cut off his sentence as he watched the topic of conversation appear. Mark turned away to hide his blush.  
“Hi you guys! Good morning!” Youngjae greeted them cheerfully. “What were you guys talking about?”  
“Oh, nothing specific.” Jackson brushed it off.  
“Then why is Mark’s face red?” Youngjae laughed. Mark’s face got redder as he put his head down. Youngjae thought back to Yugyeom’s words but ignored them.   
He couldn’t help but notice him and Mark growing closer. They would tell each other secrets and were usually sticking together. Yugyeom and Bambam noticed but didn’t say anything. They just made snarky comments about it to themselves. Youngjae noticed when Mark would look at him for a second longer. He noticed how sometimes he was the only listener of his stories when they were eating lunch. He noticed every little touch that Mark thought was subtle. But for some reason, Youngjae’s heart couldn’t give up on Jaebeom. As much as he wanted to, his heart and his mind couldn’t agree. He knew it was wrong; Jaebeom clearly didn’t want him but the road to get over his first love was going to be long and difficult. But he sometimes didn’t mind when his feelings lingered.  
“Does Mark like someone?” Youngjae teased the boy. Mark just groaned loudly. “Someone we know?”   
“Anyway! Did you do the homework, Youngjae? Can I copy?” Mark tried to change the subject.  
“Only if you tell me who you like.” Youngjae smirked.  
“Fine, nevermind. I’ll just fail this class and end up poor because I can’t get my degree after spending so much money.” Mark sighed.   
Youngjae gave in to Mark and handed him the homework while laughing.Mark listened to the laugh as if it was Song of the Year. The sweetest laugh he’s ever heard. He just wanted to hurry up and ask Youngjae on a date. Mark wanted to be the only one Youngjae looked at. He wasn’t going to ignore the way Youngjae looked at Jaebeom sometimes. He was determined to sweep Youngjae off his feet when the younger least expected it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really short chapter :(( i'll try putting more details in the next one !! see ya !


	5. firework

Jaebeom looked at the ceiling while he sulked in bed. He didn’t want to pay attention to the constant pounding in his heart every time he saw Youngjae and Mark interact. He spent so much of his time convincing himself he wasn’t into Youngjae, he wondered how much time he would have saved if he could just say “I like Youngjae.” But he never did, and he’s still using his emotional energy trying to get rid of those feelings. This was something Jaebeom couldn’t even admit to Jinyoung. He felt so alone he just wanted to isolate himself forever in his room. Ignoring his feelings would be so much easier if he didn’t see Youngjae everyday. If he didn’t have to see his smile everyday, hear his laugh everyday, smell his cologne whenever he passed by. Jaebeom wondered if it was just as tiring for Youngjae. But he had no right to wonder about Youngjae, or even think of him. Jaebeom should take his own advice and forget about him. He decided to drown himself in songwriting in hopes to distract him from the constant beating in his chest that seemed like it was saying a name.   
He looked at the lyrics in his notebook and was satisfied with his words.  
The sunrise comes up  
Sunshine on my head  
You’re an angel for me  
Hold my hand and let’s go  
His heart ached when he pictured Youngjae smiling, a halo effect surrounding his body. Frustration filled his mind as he slammed his notebook closed and went to bed. 

Youngjae was standing in a field of flowers and dandelions, staring at the purple and pink sunset. He looked so close yet so out of reach. Purple flowers littered the hair on his head, he looked ethereal. Jaebeom tried walking closer, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate. He tried calling out his name but no matter how loud he yelled the scene was still quiet. Youngjae wouldn’t turn or move, he just stared into nothingness. Youngjae disappeared, Jaebeom looked around curiously and saw Youngjae appear by his side. They stared at each other but neither said a word. Youngjae grabbed the older boys’ hand and led him towards the sunlight. They were on a hill, and below the hill was bunnies hopping around. Jaebeom felt overwhelmed with the sereneness of everything. He looked at Youngjae, and Youngjae looked at him with love oozing out of his eyes. Youngjae’s hands reached up to cup Jaebeom’s cheeks. His face got closer and closer to Jaebeom’s as their lips were practically touching. 

Jaebeom woke up in a cold sweat. He looked at the clock, it was only an hour before his alarm rang. Before he could form another thought, he felt uncomfortable between his legs. Jaebeom lifted the blanket and groaned when he realized his situation. He grabbed his towel and rushed to the bathroom to take a shower. He almost didn’t go to school because of the embarrassment; he felt like he’d blush all day. Jaebeom felt shame on top of everything. He was tired of denying himself and his feelings but it was all he knew to do.   
“Why is your face red? Are you sick? Do you have a fever?” were Jinyoung’s first words to Jaebeom that morning.   
Jaebeom touched his cheeks. “It’s nothing I’m fine.”   
“I’ll catch you two in class.” Jackson said to his two friends while he walked to Jinyoung. Jaebeom noticed Youngjae and Mark walking really close to each other and laughing. It looked as if Mark was trying to hold onto Youngjae’s arm and Jaebeom’s heart start racing with jealousy. He could feel his face heat up once again.  
“What’s wrong with him?” Jackson whispered to Jinyoung. Jaebeom just stood still and looked for the two boys that were no longer visible.  
“I wish I knew.” Jinyoung sighed and linked his hand with Jackson. “Jaebeom, we’re going to get coffee really quick if you want to join.”   
“I’m okay. Go ahead.” Jaebeom said with a blank voice. He just started walking to his first class with that image engraved into his mind.

“Mark. Mork. Mark~” Youngjae bothered the boy sitting in front of him.   
“What, Youngjae?” Mark turned around to look at him. Mark’s heart melted a bit at the sight.   
“You wanna ditch the next class and go do something? I don’t really feel like going.” Youngjae pleaded with sparkly eyes.  
“You think I paid good money to ditch a class and go be a clown?” Mark scoffed at the younger boy.  
“It’s just one time. Please~ I’ll do your homework for the next week!” Youngjae insisted. Mark couldn’t bring himself to say no to the cute boy. He gave in.

Youngjae held Mark’s hand to guide him through the busy streets. Mark couldn’t help but blush, hoping Youngjae didn’t notice.  
“You’re blushing.” Youngjae pointed out bluntly.  
“What? I’m not.” Mark looked away as he blushed more. The younger boy brought the two to a coffee shop. “You made me miss a hundred-dollar class to get coffee?”   
“It’s not just any coffee. This is the best coffee in the world!” Youngjae left go of Mark’s hand, he felt his heart drop. “C’mon. I’ll even buy you a piece of cake for being such a good friend.” Mark felt his head spin at the word ‘friend.’  
The two boys spent half an hour in the coffee shop, just talking about nonsense. Mark talked about his life in America and Youngjae listened attentively. Youngjae talked about his own childhood and his current life, talking about his siblings, his parents, and his dog that he would give the world to. Mark thought the way Youngjae talked about his puppy was the most endearing thing in the world. Youngjae even brought up pictures of his puppy named Coco.   
“I want to meet her, I love dogs!” Mark tried sounding as smooth as possible.   
Youngjae smiled excitedly. “Of course! Come to my house today.”

Youngjae and Mark went back to campus still hand in hand since they didn’t want to lose each other through the busy streets on their way back. They never let go until their friends pointed it out.  
“Hands.” was the only thing Yugyeom said before the two boys standing became blushing messes.   
“Where were you two? A date?” Jackson asked as he took a spoonful of yogurt from his lunch. Jaebeom looked up from his phone with jealousy building in his chest, staring daggers at the two boys standing.  
“No.” Youngjae’s ears turned red. “Just didn’t want to go to class, is all.”  
“To go on a date~” Bambam teased. The two boys just laughed and sat down to nibble on their lunch, since they weren’t as hungry anymore.   
“I’m going over to Youngjae’s house today, to meet his dog.” Mark tried redirecting the conversation, but this ended up riling the group up even more.   
“What?” Yugyeom asked first, he was most surprised. Yugyeom has been with Youngjae since their elementary days, Youngjae swore he would only love Jaebeom forever. He only invited him and Bambam to his house. Something was weird.   
Yugyeom walked Youngjae to his next class, he needed to talk to him urgently.   
“Youngjae-yah. What are you doing?” Yugyeom asked. Bambam decided to walk with them as well.   
“Walking to class, Yugyeomie. What did you think we were doing?” Youngjae played dumb.  
“Mark is going to your house.” Bambam got straight to the point. “What is that about? You don’t invite just anyone.”  
“I have to move on, don’t you think? I’ve been miserable for too long. I found someone who likes me, and I’m interested in him. Why would I ruin it for someone that doesn’t look twice at me?” Youngjae tried to keep his composure. He didn’t need all the memories to flood back to him right now.   
Yugyeom understood where Youngjae was coming from. He just wanted his lifelong friend to be happy. Youngjae and Jaebeom happened to walk in at the same time, Yugyeom and Bambam said their goodbyes to the classmates.   
“Youngjae,” Jaebeom called Youngjae in a soft, whispered voice. Youngjae turned to look at him and hummed. “Could you...sit with me today? I’m having trouble understanding the class.”  
“Of course, Jaebeom.” Youngjae flashed a smile before walking towards the back of the class.  
Youngjae’s heart was going crazy. He didn’t want to think of Jaebeom that way but his heart pumped with adrenaline anyway. He tried thinking of Mark, and how he was coming over. Maybe something small could happen between them. Youngjae’s cheeks got hot while he thought about kissing Mark. He tried to calm down so his mind wouldn’t make a big deal out of it but unfortunately he didn’t go unnoticed.  
“Your face is red again. You okay?” Jaebeom asked as he sat down. “You don’t have a fever or something?”  
Youngjae’s heart fluttered at the question. Jaebeom cares or am I delusional? “I’m okay. At least I get to go home after this.” Youngjae said glee filling his eyes. Jaebeom felt a pain in his chest at the thought of Youngjae with another man, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He can just cherish the small moments he has with him during class. Jaebeom’s heart and mind were going crazy. Underneath his cool and uncaring image, he was still a human with feelings. He could still feel the heavy pit in his stomach every time Youngjae looked at him. The sensation only got heavier in his heart when Youngjae looked at someone else with the same eyes. He needed Youngjae to be his but when would he admit that to himself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> late update ive had writers block for too long T_T i hope this chapter is okay! thank you for reading

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first publicized fic so im nervous! comment anything you would like to see more of/any suggestions on how to improve my writing ^.^


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